Courage vs. Cowardice

My hand begins to quiver as I pen the words, "I love you." Partly because of the bitter cold of the room, and partly because...well, I don't know yet. That's why I'm writing, to help myself figure out what emotion inside me is trying to show itself.

I know I mean it, I know it's true. And it's something I have no doubts about. Why the shaking? Nothing serious...just a slight shudder. Is it fear? I didn't think so...nothing about him makes me afraid.

Perhaps it is fear of myself. Fear that, in my hands, these words and other words to come may be harmful instead of uplifting.

I look at Your hands, which neither quiver nor shudder. They're stretched out wide, with scars where the gaping holes once were. You look at me with a warm, crimson stare - communicating the love that I can never in my pathetic human heart dare to realize. You love me. You love others. I can love others fearlessly.

I quiver no more as I pen these words. He's steadied my hand, and laid aside all my concerns.

Angering Provision.

God has been teaching me a lot lately. The list is getting quite lengthy - be patient, be calm, be controlled...trust Me. The list only gets harder as I continually add subjects. Emotions running rampant, brain fried from school and stress. My body is worn out and ready for change. I haven't been sick in 3 years...then all of the sudden, I get sick twice this past semester.

Something's getting to me. Maybe it's called growing up.

The most recent happening in my life's journey is the ever-growing need for financial resources. I found out my school bills will be much more expensive this semester than I've ever had to pay before. My car needs repairs that are going to cost about $150...which isn't too bad, but it's still money I don't have. I want to express my thanks and care to the people close to me by buying them gifts for Christmas, but I only have money for the cheap WalMart substitutes. My textbooks are going to cost around $200 for the semester. I'm going to be looking for an apartment soon so I have somewhere to live after graduation, and that will require money for both the apartment and furniture...I could go on for hours to name countless other things that I need yet don't have the money for.

All I see are red $ signs. Everywhere. When will it stop? Probably never. But God still provides...and sometimes I have the nerve to get angry at Him for the ways in which He provides.

My parents are going to put $1,000 towards my school payments when they get their tax return. My dad also just paid for my car repairs. My first reaction was tears...a feeling of failure as a daughter, failure as an independent adult, just plain failure. I was angry that once again, my parents - who are by no means rich - have to step in and save me once again. Don't get me wrong, I am eternally thankful for everything that they do for me. I just wish I didn't have to be a financial burden on them any longer - I wish I could take care of myself. There's the "oldest-child" syndrome kicking in. Oy.

But what right do I have to be angry at God for the way in which He chooses to provide for me? I asked for His provision - and I got it. How could I be so proud, to think that I have the right to "approve" of the vessels He chooses to provide for me? Silly, silly daughter of Mine. I have no right to doubt His choices. It is here that I simply bow to Him, on my knees, and thank Him profusely for His daily provision in my life.

Thank You, Daddy.

One semester to go...

Well, I have two more finals to go until I'm officially done with this semester. One is tomorrow morning at 9:45, the second is a paper that I need to submit online by Saturday. So...I'm saving that for when I'm home. But anyways, the school year is coming to a close...and so is the calendar year! I can't believe I'm 20 years old, almost done with college, and trying to figure out what on earth I'm doing next year. It's scary, but exciting.

Plus, I'm dating this really awesome/amazing/fantastic/spectacular guy. He treats me like a princess and never fails to take care of me. I am daily amazed at how God uses him in my life to show His love and provision, to convict me of something I really need to change, or to simply encourage me and show me the blessings He has for me in this earthly portion of life. Steve has been an amazing leader in our relationship, but never too domineering. He always makes sure I have sufficient space to make my own decisions and contribute to the relationship, but I know he's always behind me to pick me up when I fall down. It's a near-perfect balance, and I sure do like it. Of course we're not perfect...that's why we're also learning how to work through conflict together. But as far as I can tell...I am totally happy with him. Thanking God for this blessing is a daily thing for me.

I'm heading home tomorrow...yay! I am not looking forward to the long car ride (as usual) but I do have a passenger, so it shouldn't be too bad. Please pray for clear roads, alertness for me as I drive, and quick traveling back to Michigan. I'll be home for exactly two weeks - then on the 30th I'll head down to Steve's parents' house. The 31st his mom will drive us to Philly, where we will take a flight down to Florida and stay for a week with a married couple we are good friends with and who used to go to our church here in PA. It's going to be an awesome break - much needed before I tackle my last semester of college. 20 credits of classes, 32 hours of work per week, and $800 school payments per month. It will definitely be interesting to see how God provides...but at least I know that He will, one way or another. He's just amazing like that.

Well...that's all for tonight. Maybe over break I'll be motivated to post more often, and more thought-provoking writings...I've had a lot on my mind recently, but haven't had the time or energy to really dig in to it and express myself. We'll see what happens. If I don't write again before then, have a great CHRISTmas and a Happy New Year!

Helen Keller

So I've been doing this project on Helen Keller for one of my classes...it's nothing new, because I've always been fascinated by her. But I seem to learn something interesting every time, so here's what I got this time.

Even though Helen was blind and deaf - living in a world of complete darkness and silence - she still had passion for certain things in life. She was a radical socialist, pacifist, and birth control supporter. She chose things that I may not support myself, but the things she did choose to follow and support were things that she certainly voiced her opinion about. It amazes me how she could have such a passion for life and the things of the world when she had such a "blind" sense of the world she lived in.

Then I thought...maybe it was her blindness that caused her to be so brave. She couldn't visually see the shocked faces of those who heard her speak on certain issues. She couldn't exactly hear the words they were saying as she walked by. Did this give her bravery? Really, if she wanted to, she could totally tune out the world. Interesting.

How would I change my life and the way I live for my Savior if I chose to tune out the faces and voices of those who oppose Him? Would I be more passionate? Would I be less concerned of others' opinions? Just an interesting thought...

Pieces

Sometimes my heart aches for no apparent reason. I blame it on discontentment most of the time. Other times, I just don't know.

Tonight is one of those nights. My life has changed dramatically over the last two years, and I feel like the world still hasn't stopped spinning madly around me. I'll probably turn around only to find another new object to try and find my way around. Right now I have senioritis big time - I just want to be done with homework, deadlines, late nights of studying, and feeling so mentally inadequate. But at the same time, I'm terrified of another transition. I'm not happy where I am, but I don't know exactly where "happy" would be.

Clueless, of course. I'm so glad God knows what He's doing, and that He's the ultimate DJ at my disco.

Waiting on God - Thoughts from Habakkuk.

I was asked to do a devotional for class, then ended up doing the same thing for floor devos a couple weeks ago. Here's what I came up with...

So here's some background. Habakkuk was probably written somewhere between 640 and 615 BC before Assyria fell and Babylon rose to power. The scene is set: God had used Assyria to punish Israel, and now He'll use Babylon to do the same. The prophet Habakkuk shoots some questions out at God concerning these punishments as he wonders when Israel will finally be delivered from this persecution. The whole book is a dialogue between Habakkuk and God - questions and answers. For the most part, the answers God gave Habakkuk were not clear. The main message in His answers was that Habakkuk needed to simply trust His judgment, and to patiently wait for the promises previously given to Israel to be fulfilled.

Habakkuk 2:3 summed it up nicely: "For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end - it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay." God knows what He is doing! A lot of times our idea of "waiting" is the image of one continuously glancing at his watch, tapping his foot, and expectantly lifting his gaze to the heavens. "Okay, God, I'm ready. When are You gonna make this happen? I'M WAITING!!!!" Well...that's probably not how it's supposed to be.

The following is a quote from Matthew Henry's commentary on Habakkuk.
"When tossed and perplexed with doubts about the methods of Providence, we must watch against temptations to be impatient. When we have poured out complaints and requests before God, we must observe the answers God gives by His word, His spirit, and providences. God will not disappoint the believing expectations of those who wait to hear what He will say unto them. Though the promised favor be deferred long, it will come at last, and abundantly recompense us for waiting. The humble, broken-hearted, repenting sinner alone seeks to obtain an interest in this salvation. He will rest his soul on the promise and on Christ, in and through whom it is given. Thus he walks and works, as well as lives by faith, perseveres to the end, and is exalted to glory. Only those made just by faith shall live and be happy here and forever."

What caught my attention was the statement, "Thus he walks and works, as well as lives by faith, perseveres to the end, and is exalted to glory." We are not supposed to stand there tapping our feet and glancing at our watch for "that time" to come. We are to take what God has given us THIS MOMENT, and live with it. Walk with Him. Continue to glorify Him in the here and now. We can completely trust in the fact that God will "work together for good...for those who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28, ESV). Even though what's good for us may not be our idea of pleasant or profitable, we know that God WILL always do what is best for us - especially those who are His children.

Here is an illustration of what I do in my own life to pound this concept into my thick skull. I have a little glass box I call my "God box". Whenever there is an issue that is dominating my heart and mind and I find myself impatiently waiting for God to bring about resolution, I put it in the box. Here's an example. One of the pieces of paper I put in my God box is labeled "Financial problems" and is dated 12-1-08. The first half of the paper is when I vent, explain the problem, and lay out my concern. Things like..."I don't know how I'll make my January payment. I don't know if I'll be able to buy Christmas presents for my family, and textbooks for next semester." Then, in the middle of the page, I write "BUT". Underneath that, I try to look at the problem in light of what I know through Scripture and consider ways God has already begun to resolve this issue. I wrote down things like, "God is faithful and will take care of me" and "He has already blessed me by giving me money through my family". After writing it all down and praying about it...I write "Lord, I give this to you" at the very bottom, put the paper in the box face down, and close the box. The issue should not be at the forefront of my mind anymore - I have given it to God.

The cool thing is, as I was working on this, I went through the papers that I had previously put in the box. As I read them...I realized that God had resolved those issues perfectly in His time. I went ahead and added on the blank side of each paper the resolution to each issue. How encouraging! Now every time I open the box, I don't see the problem side of the papers...but I see the answers that God has given me written on the back of those problems. Even though in the future I may have papers that are never resolved, I have a place that I can go to and "lay down my cares" at the feet of Jesus. It doesn't mean much, really, but to me it's a sort of ceremony to help put my heart in the right place.

The end of Habakkuk is a beautiful resolution to the heartfelt battle of this prophet. Habakkuk 3:17-19 says, "Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vine, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's, he makes me tread on my high places." Wow. How amazing would it be to have that kind of reaction when it seems that God's plan for our lives is SO distant and vague! Habakkuk embraced the concept that our knowledge is limited, yet God's sovereignty will always be superior and the ultimate authority.

What are you waiting for? And...how exactly are you waiting? I pray that you are not the person who is standing at heaven's door, tapping your foot and knocking profusely. No...I pray that you are the person who keeps faithfully hoping (and knowing) that He will fulfill His promises, yet continuing to live for Him every day as a faithful steward of what He has already given you.

October fun!

So here begins October....quite the exciting month. I'm really looking forward to everything that's going on. Last Friday was the Skillet/Hawk Nelson/Decyfer Down concert in NYC, which was AMAZING. Definitely an unforgettable time with some of my church family. Speaking of family, my parents and youngest brother are coming to visit this weekend! This week is Bible Conference and Parent's Day, so I asked for the weekend off. It will be a nice little break. We're actually going to see the Statue of Liberty on Friday, which will be awesome. I'm really excited to show my family firsthand the things that I'm involved in out here as far as school and ministry goes.

My family will also get to meet my boyfriend :) Steve and I started dating September 25. He called and asked my dad for permission to date me, then asked me out officially while we were at the corn maze with some friends that Friday night. It's going really well so far, and I'm really excited about growing with him and getting to know him better in the time to come. So yeah...he's meeting my family this weekend, then I'll meet his parents next week when we go down to his house for his birthday. Should be exciting :)

We're almost to the midpoint in the semester, believe it or not. It's gone by SO fast. I'm definitely going to need God's strength to make it through, because I know on my own there's no way I can get through everything the next two months holds. I can't wait til December 18 when it's allllll over!

Well...math homework calls my name. Later.

Stupid internet.

So, here's the truth. I spend a good amount of time on a post a couple days ago, but as I hit the button to publish it, my internet blinked out...erasing it. I was so frustrated I haven't touched this thing for days. But I learned a valuable lesson...ctrl+c before hitting the publish button, just in case.

This is what has dawned on me recently - God is very strategic about the people He puts in our lives. Sure, sometimes I wish I hadn't met certain people, or I wish I had better relationships with other people...but it's all in His plan. People come and go, some leaving bigger holes than others in their wake. But God brings along people to fill those holes, after we choose to let Him fill it first. I am starting to realize that there are a handful of people that I am SO blessed to have in my life, and they have been a huge help to me recently. I am so thankful for the close friends I have, and how they make me smile and laugh every day...even when I feel like life couldn't get any worse. Thank you, God.

So...some exciting things coming up! God continues to AMAZINGLY provide for my school bill, even though I have to work close to 35 hours a week (which really stinks when I have this amount of homework). I'm not only keeping my head above the water, but I have money for things like a Skillet concert in NYC October 2! SO EXCITED! Decyfer Down and Hawk Nelson will also be there. I can't wait. October is going to be a very, very good month...for more reasons than just that concert ;)

Even though life is pure insanity right now, man, I love it. I will never again be at this point in my life, so I have to focus on living for God and appreciating what He has given me while I still have it. He always has been, and will always continue to be, my everlasting and loving Father who continuously watches over me.

Hitting ctrl+c before I forget. ;)

Here we go!

Well, the semester has started. Oh yes...it's started. It's my senior year, and I'm terrified. This semester I'm due for the big oral theological examination, which I am terrified about. There is a review course for it throughout the semester...but it's still so much to learn. On top of that I have six other classes, mostly senior classes, that are pretty heavy as far as homework goes. The first week I had a little mental breakdown because I just couldn't see how I would be able to get all of that done as well as work about 30 hours a week. And I don't want to merely complete all of my assignments...I want to learn for life. I want to soak it in, let it change me. Will I have enough time?

BUT GOD...aren't those amazing words? So many times in Scripture, the worst scenarios are given...we are reminded of the monsters we used to be...and then we see the words, "BUT GOD". Already He has begun to show me that: yes, He still loves me, and is going to provide for me; yes, I will have to work hard, but it will be so rewarding in the end; yes, He is going to care for my every need. Last week He provided for me by helping restore previous friendships, make new ones, and create an opportunity for me to get away from campus for most of Sunday with a couple good friends. I laughed so much that day, and in the following days as the result of the fun time we had. This week He has provided by having my boss offer me a promotion that may result in me working less days, but get more pay. He takes care of the big things AND the little things, which gives me confidence. I know He will carry me through.

This doesn't go to say that life isn't difficult or painful, because it most definitely is. There are a lot of heartaches, old and new, that I must deal with every day. BUT GOD is always here, and always has His arms open to me. Although now may not be the time that He wipes away tears, I know His constant presence will always be a comfort to me.

Did I arrange the light of your first day?
Did I create the rhythm your heart makes?
Could you believe when your candle starts to fade?
I want to be the One that you believe
Could take it all away, take your heart away

I'm the One that you've been looking for
I'm the One that you've been waiting for
I've had My eyes on you ever since you were born
I will love you after the rain falls down
I will love you after the sun goes out
I'll have My eyes on you after the world is no more...

Scars remain

Wow...what a summer. At the beginning of the summer, I knew it was going to change my life...and it has. I never would have imagined the things God had in store for me this summer. Anywhere from working with incredibly tough situations to being able to watch God's amazing provision for me...it was incredible.

This week has been especially tough, though. Sunday we found out that a guy from our church, Nicky Roush (who is only 22) died in action while serving in Afghanistan. What a heartbreak! Although I wasn't that close to Nicky, I grew up having him and his family in my church family. It's so hard to imagine never seeing him again on this earth, and my heart aches for his family and girlfriend left behind. Today in the next couple of hours we will be lining up with hundreds, maybe even thousands of people on the side of M-37 to welcome his earthly body home to Middleville. Funeral services will be next week sometime, so I won't be able to make it as I am heading back to school tomorrow morning. It will be an emotional time for all of us who knew him, but we are comforted with the fact that we will one day see him in heaven.

Another thing that made this week especially difficult was a conversation I had with someone I used to be very close to. Our friendship "ended" over a year and a half ago, and I never understood why. Well, he finally came to me and asked if I wanted to know. I said yes. He explained...but the knowledge I now have sends my head and my heart into completely new cycles. It was way off from the reasons I thought the friendship ended. Once again, just as it had at the beginning of the break, I feel suffocated by the pain. I don't know how to get past it. It's this huge roadblock, a tall hurdle, something I feel is holding me back but something I can't jump over. The scars are still there...

Other "little" things that complicate this week emotionally are the end of camp (not knowing if I'll ever work at camp again) and leaving home for college (not knowing if I'll ever "live" here again). It's a weird period of transition.

Well, we're off to the homecoming for Nicky. I will probably post again when I get to school.
Please keep me in your prayers...

Where did summer go?

I just realized a large mistake I have made - spending my entire summer wishing it was over. Every week I prayed, "Lord, please help me to get through this week...and please let it go by quickly!" What a waste! If I had only spent my days looking for opportunities to grow in every little thing I did, what potential I would have to change. That doesn't mean I haven't grown or changed at all this summer, because I definitely have. But it makes me sad to think that I could have done so much more if I hadn't wished it away.

That being said, there is one more week of regular camp. I have a few days off, then I go back up to camp to cook for 6 days of band camp. Shortly after that, I'm off to school for my last year. I can't believe how fast these years of college have flown by, and I'm terrified to think of graduating next May. Yikes! I haven't a clue where I will be or what I will be doing after I graduate, just a few "maybes" and "possibilities". I am really depending on God to get me through this school year, and trust that He has an awesome plan for my life if only I let Him lead.

Let's see...how to sum up the last couple months? I don't know if I can adequately put it on "paper" per se. God has taught me over the summer the ultimate value of administrating and leading people in His love. Without letting His love shine through me to the people I am in charge of, I am an ultimate failure. I messed up a lot this summer because I simply refused to let His love work through me, and instead I tried to stomp my feet and scream at the top of my lungs to get respect and obedience. Obviously, it didn't work. The only thing that truly works is to treat people as Christ would treat them, and in return hope for that same kind of love and respect.

Another thing that has really hit me the last couple weeks is the ultimate value of His sacrifice. I always "knew" that He died for me, loves me, etc. etc. But one night it just hit me...He died for ME! What great love! I cannot put into words the emotion that I felt that night, as I realized just how magnificent His sacrifice was. Then I realized...how could I pass up that love on a daily basis by choosing to do things I know are not right? Why do I keep chasing after inadequate, failing, human love and affection instead of being satisfied in the neverending love of my Savior? Since that night, I constantly pray that I never, ever forget that great love. I pray that He would use that new realization in my life to totally flip my world upside down and help me show that same love to others.

My heart has been twisting and turning in a lot of directions this summer as well. Between the hurt I still feel and the ever-present longing for a companion who really knows me...it has been a painful process. Some days I feel so lonely, simply because I feel like everyone has someone who really knows them and loves them...but somehow I've missed out. I don't even know myself half the time. I remember the person "he" used to be, and it most definitely doesn't match up with the person "he" is now. I don't really want a friendship because of the pain, but I don't like the alternative either. It's confusing. It hurts. I hate the fact that it still hurts! I'm always asking why, why, why...but I get an empty response. I may never know. The best that I can do is daily cry out to my Savior, asking Him to show me His love in ways I've never seen. Asking for that hole in my heart to finally be filled...

Pink skies and leadership

Wow, this week was crazy. It seems like I say that every week, but this week topped it off. It was our biggest week so far in the summer with a total of 140 (ish) campers, so there were a lot of mouths to feed including the staff and volunteers. The food part of the week went well, it was the whole leadership part that went nuts. I can't get into all the details, but basically God used this week to stretch me farther than ever before. It was uncomfortable. It was painful. It stunk big time! But you know what...I'm glad it happened. I'm glad I had to do things that were miles outside of my comfort zone, and I know God used it to help me grow in huge ways. I read in my devotions today about the testimony of General "Stonewall" Jackson, and his quote caught my eye: "I feel as safe in battle as I am in my bed, because God has an appointed time for me to die." How awesome! Why should I be afraid of anything life throws my way? God has a plan for all of it and He will keep me safe. He will use all the hardships and tribulations I endure for my good and for His glory.

Also in my devotions I read the account of creation...slowly, thoughtfully, allowing it to soak in. As I finished this amazing story, sitting on the back deck of the lodge looking at the beautiful colored sky God made...I couldn't help but wish I had been there to see it happen. What an amazing sight that would have been, to see the creation of this beauty we call nature. I wonder if we get to see a "video" of it when we get to heaven. That would be sweet. Who could ever doubt the existence of a God after taking a glance at the beauty around us?

Well, we're off to week number six of camp. Please continue praying about financial needs for school and my car, as those are the most pressing needs I see at the moment. Pray for us as a camp staff this week since the numbers are way down once again, that we would keep up the enthusiasm for the few campers we have this week.

Free falling

Wow, this week was insanity. And this upcoming week is going to be even more insane...if that's possible. I'm praying hardcore that God will help me make it through, because even when I got home yesterday I felt like a zombie. My physical strength is definitely failing me right now, I'm pretty much running completely on "God fumes".

This summer has been a huge learning experience so far. I have made a few serious changes in my walk with God, including developing a stronger love for Him and His Word, and I am learning how important prayer is. As I face my last year of college, I have HUGE financial needs that must be met. My car is falling apart pretty much...and I don't know if I'll have the money to fix it before I go back next month. I just wrote a check for my first payment for this semester, and that smarts. Right now my monthly payments when I get back to school are over $1,000 a month. Yikes! That's a little difficult to comprehend when I only make maybe $600 a month at my deli job. I have been on my knees pleading to my Savior, trusting that He will provide what I need for this school year. It's a tough spot to be in, but strangely it is also peaceful. I know that there is nothing that I, personally, can do for myself. But I have an AWESOME God who has promised to take care of me and my genuine needs. What an amazing truth.

Anyway, back to something besides that annoying green stuff. My heart has been twisting and turning many painful ways this summer as well. I feel like there are so many things from my past and present that are tugging it in so many directions. A real struggle I have right now is being content where I am: single, poor college student, unsure where I'll be a year from now. It's so hard! I've been fighting this contentment battle for a long time, and it's wearing me so thin. Please pray for me...I need it now more than ever.

Despite the hardships I have faced emotionally this summer, I have many blessings as well. I love the friends I've made at camp, and being able to see God working directly in people's lives is extremely rewarding. I've developed more in the music area of my life, and that brings me a lot of joy when I just feel like collapsing in frustration. God has brought testing into my life, but He also brings joy in the little things. I am beginning to realize just how much this amazing God of the universe loves me, His precious child.

Well, that's all for now. I've probably babbled enough...nobody will read this anyway.

Happy 4th of July!

Well, the most difficult week of camp (family camp) is finished. Hallelujah. Family camp is so...unique...I'm glad we only have one week of it per summer. It was a blast hanging out with the families - getting to know new ones, reminiscing with returning families - but it will be nice to get back to the normal camper routine next week.

I've discovered a new show that has piqued my interest: Mental. I guess it's kind of like the show House except it's about mental disorders, not physical abnormalities. Being a counseling major, this is kinda my thing. So far the acting has been a little crummy...but I like how I can actually recognize the terms and diagnoses they throw out as they go from case to case. Along with that, I decided I want to read up a little on autism while I don't have any assigned reading for school during the summer. I really want to work with people with autism or Asperger's eventually, so I want to study up on it as much as I can during my free reading time.

I really hope next week is warmer than this week was! Those poor wilderness campers...

Wondering

Life is so crazy sometimes. I feel like, as a child, the thought of becoming a college student and "growing up" seemed so far away that it would just never happen. Now I'm in the middle of it, and it seems to fly by before I can blink twice. Not only am I changing as a person, but the people around me are changing so quickly. I've lost count of how many of my friends are either getting married or skipping the whole marriage thing and just getting pregnant first. So many things are happening at once, I almost can't focus on one solitary thing.

I have to keep my attitude in check, because when I see all of this happening I get so jealous. I find myself wishing I at least had a boyfriend, but knowing that I really just want to get married like everyone else. At one point I was semi-close to being engaged, but now I'm back to a lonely square one. Why?

But through all this...I know what is right. I know all the answers, in my head at least. I'm waiting for those answers to slowly creep down into my heart, for the truth of God's word to give me the peace that surpasses all understanding. I know God loves me more than I could ever imagine, and that He has a plan for me. It's just so difficult sometimes for me to see beyond my own nose.

Philippians 4:4-7
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. the Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

New beginnings...

Well, it looks like I've finally outgrown Xanga. I tried to delete my current account and create a new one, because the old one just got...well, old. But it was malfunctioning and talking back to me, so I decided to try blogger instead.

I feel as though this summer is going to be a catalyst for a lot of change in my life. I'm not sure what will change yet, but I just have that gut feeling. Last summer was rough. But this summer I feel myself growing in a lot of areas, and I know I can count on God to use those areas of growth to really change me. I'm looking forward to the end result, as well as walking the path with my Savior right at my side.

We have just finished our second week at camp, and I am completely exhausted! These first four weeks of combined camp and staff training have been emotionally, physically, and spiritually draining. But, as usual, I still love camp. I'm excited to be working with the people there, making new friends and reinforcing the friendships I already had. I can't wait to see what else God will accomplish this summer through us as a united camp staff.

Here are some musings from my notebook this week...

"The Creator of galaxies and e-minors loves me...completely. He wants me in all my totality, all that I am, all that I have to give. Of course, all that I have could never be enough to satisfy the treasury that He has given me...but it is the best that I can do."

"Salvation not only has preserved me for heaven and set me apart for His work, but it will one day completely restore me to the image of my Creator who loves me like none other."

"The silence threatens
To take me with its volume
And there I cease to be."

"It feels so strange.
You, who once made my heart take flight...
the same you invokes such a dead response;
from the core of my being.

{Will it beat again?}

Will there be another heart that races with mine
when their faces meet?"