Angering Provision.

God has been teaching me a lot lately. The list is getting quite lengthy - be patient, be calm, be controlled...trust Me. The list only gets harder as I continually add subjects. Emotions running rampant, brain fried from school and stress. My body is worn out and ready for change. I haven't been sick in 3 years...then all of the sudden, I get sick twice this past semester.

Something's getting to me. Maybe it's called growing up.

The most recent happening in my life's journey is the ever-growing need for financial resources. I found out my school bills will be much more expensive this semester than I've ever had to pay before. My car needs repairs that are going to cost about $150...which isn't too bad, but it's still money I don't have. I want to express my thanks and care to the people close to me by buying them gifts for Christmas, but I only have money for the cheap WalMart substitutes. My textbooks are going to cost around $200 for the semester. I'm going to be looking for an apartment soon so I have somewhere to live after graduation, and that will require money for both the apartment and furniture...I could go on for hours to name countless other things that I need yet don't have the money for.

All I see are red $ signs. Everywhere. When will it stop? Probably never. But God still provides...and sometimes I have the nerve to get angry at Him for the ways in which He provides.

My parents are going to put $1,000 towards my school payments when they get their tax return. My dad also just paid for my car repairs. My first reaction was tears...a feeling of failure as a daughter, failure as an independent adult, just plain failure. I was angry that once again, my parents - who are by no means rich - have to step in and save me once again. Don't get me wrong, I am eternally thankful for everything that they do for me. I just wish I didn't have to be a financial burden on them any longer - I wish I could take care of myself. There's the "oldest-child" syndrome kicking in. Oy.

But what right do I have to be angry at God for the way in which He chooses to provide for me? I asked for His provision - and I got it. How could I be so proud, to think that I have the right to "approve" of the vessels He chooses to provide for me? Silly, silly daughter of Mine. I have no right to doubt His choices. It is here that I simply bow to Him, on my knees, and thank Him profusely for His daily provision in my life.

Thank You, Daddy.