Thanksgiving

Yesterday morning I realized once again how blessed I am. A month or so ago, my little church family went to the Scranton Rescue Mission and served dinner to a group of homeless people. Along with dinner we provided a short worship service of songs and a message. Many of them left the Mission that night with bags of clothes, some leftover food, and a message from the Word of God. I remember a lot of those faces. Stuff like that really gets imprinted in my mind somehow.

Yesterday morning on my way to work, I noticed a couple walking down the sidewalk along the busy street, and from afar they looked like high schoolers slowly walking on their way to school. It was chilly and pretty windy outside, so I wondered why their parents had allowed these teenagers to walk to school this cold morning. As I got closer, I recognized them as a young couple who had been at the Rescue Mission the same night that my church had been there. They both appeared to be in their 20s, and the girl was pregnant. The young man's facial expression was one of concern - the girl's was a mixture of uncertainty and discomfort.

At that moment, I had no excuse to complain to God about the droopy ceiling in my car. I had no desire to groan about our neighbor's obnoxious miniature dachshund who barks at everything in sight or earshot. God has blessed Steve and I with cars that get us from Point A to Point B, a warm apartment, college degrees that get us decent jobs, and plenty of food in our cupboards. Plus, I'm not pregnant...which is another huge blessing! On top of school and work and our current living situation, we could not handle a third person in our household. My heart hurts for this couple.

Shame on us when we take God's blessings for granted! Why does it take a sorrowful sight such as this to shake me up enough that I finally thank Him for what He's done in my life? It is good to see these things and give thanks...but why did I wait this long? When we take His blessings for granted, we eventually become people of privilege - we believe that we have "rights" for a good home, a sweet car, and a perfect marriage. WE DON'T! We don't deserve anything He gives us in this blessed world! We don't even deserve the very breath we breathe. But He does bless us...He gives us more than we can ever hope for. For these things, dear Christian, never cease giving thanks.

I hope you remember this as we head into the Thanksgiving holiday next week. I would call this a coincidence, but I know better than that. He has a plan for each and every one of our hearts, and He's sure made a mark on mine this week.

Oh, the Newlywed Life.

There are so many things you learn within even the first couple months of marriage. In my head, I knew that there would be changes and new things to understand...but I now have that lovely "experiential knowledge". Steve and I have been married for almost 4 months now and I have already learned a lot, changed a bit, and adjusted the way I think and react to a lot of things. Here's a little bit of what I'm learning.

When you get married, you no longer have the luxury of being able to hide those parts of yourself that you don't want people to see. In our engagement I thought that I was as open with him as I could be - now I am realizing that, being married for almost 4 months, there are still things about my personality that I try to hide from him. It's pride and shame, really - I only want him to see me as the 'perfect' wife, not the sinful human being that he has attached himself to for the rest of his life. Let me tell you: it's hard to keep up that 'perfect' game face! It is inevitable that he sees the darker sides of my personality and temperaments, just as it is inevitable that I see his flaws as well. Such is marriage. Such is partnership. Although I love having someone this close to me, it is a difficult daily challenge to truly live and love as Christ did.

I just read an article titled, "Marriage as a Spiritual Discipline" by Leigh Conver, PhD. I really encourage you to read it (it's really easy to find on Google). His main point is that marriage is the best "laboratory" we have for practicing true, Christ-like love every day. There is no other relationship so vulnerable and transparent as the relationship that you have with your spouse. Because you are both revealed to the other, it can make love easy some days and extremely difficult other ways. I really related to what the article said because I have been thinking about it a lot in my own marriage recently. I highly recommend it for your own reading, especially if you are married or considering marriage.

I love my husband so much. I wouldn't trade this marriage for the world. But, that doesn't mean it's easy! I pray every day that the Holy Spirit will give me the spiritual and emotional strength to love my husband as Christ does, and to be totally honest with him about my faults even though it may hurt. Marriage is the union of two sinful people, therefore each is bound to have his/her shortcomings.

Let me know what you think!

Reflection

Today on my way home from work I popped in a CD that I hadn't listened to since last summer. For me, music has a special way of attaching itself to a particular era in my life...I usually go in spurts when it comes to music, listening to one group for a season or so and then switching to a new taste. Music, like the physical senses of smell and taste, take me back to whatever era I was in when I really liked that particular band, song, or style. This CD took me back to last summer, which was very different than this summer.

As I listened to the CD and still sang every word of each song, I shook my head in amazement. How much life has changed since a year ago today! I never would have imagined last August that by today I would be married, living in Scranton, starting grad school classes in a week, and starting a TSS job the same week. God is amazing, and He as brought me through the last couple years with strength and grace that only He could supply.

With that in mind...I can't wait to see where I'll be next year. Only God knows what the next step is in His plan for my life...maybe it will be more blessings, maybe it will be sorrow. Maybe it will be hardship, or possibly some prosperity. All I can do is leave it up to Him and wait patiently for His call.

Wisdom from a Samurai?

I was watching Tom Cruise's The Last Samurai the other day and actually managed to glean something valuable from it...besides that constant conviction that comes with watching a movie portraying the self-discipline of Asian cultures. As Tom Cruise's character lives among a group of Samurai and their families, he makes this observation:

"Every morning they wake and seek the perfection of whatever it is they do."

Wow. What if someone could say that about my life? That I wake up every morning with a clear purpose in mind, a plan to follow, and a passion about that plan that fuels my every step. It begged the question: what IS that thing I "do"? If I sought to pursue it with such passion, what would I be pursuing?

As a Christian, the first thing that comes to mind is my relationship with Christ and a dedication to become more like Him. I should be waking up every morning and seeking "perfection" in becoming more like Christ. Even though that is not completely attainable this side of the heavens, it's definitely a good purpose to begin every day with.

That crazy life swagger...

I'm getting married this Saturday. Really? Am I sure? Am I nervous? Yes, all of the above. It's just now starting to sink in...I'm moving my stuff into our apartment, making dinner on our dishes, watching movies in our living room - it's finally turning into a reality. We're finishing up all the packing and are getting ready to head out to MI tomorrow morning bright and early. Wow...the past four months have flown by.

Not only the whole getting married thing, but this crazy grad school thing is starting up too! August 24th I believe is the date I officially begin my Master's degree education.

Am I really living this? Is it really happening?

I find myself struggling with all these blessings because I feel like I really don't deserve them. Truth is - I DON'T! God has been especially gracious, patient, loving, and kind as He guides me through all of these hoops and hurdles. I can't imagine where I would be without His hand to guide me everywhere I dare to go.

Well, I guess this is my last post as Jillian Fasick. Next time I'll officially be Jilli Bair. Thank you for your prayers and support as I've traveled the single life up until now, and I hope your prayers and support continue as I begin a new adventure with my amazing husband at my side.

Contemplation

In light of my last post, I've been spending more time than usual simply contemplating the things God has done in my life recently. There's something special about the quietness in which you reflect on God's blessings...just sitting in a room by yourself, in a quiet place (not easily found in a girls' dormitory!), I like to sit next to a window...and just reflect. It's in those quiet moments that I can clear my head and let Him speak to me by bringing to mind all the amazing things He has done. By looking out the window I can praise Him for the creation He has made for us to enjoy. By looking around my room, I see all the textbooks and notepads that represent my education here at BBC. I also see pictures of friends, family, loved ones...all the incredible people He has brought into my life. I browse through my journals and read through the hard times and the good ones, seeing His hand in all of it.

Our God is amazing, isn't He? I encourage you to take some time today to quietly reflect and consider His amazing love and continuous work in your life.

God's sense of humor

Today I've been on this strange kick. This morning I went through all the old messages sitting in my Facebook inbox, and tonight I was surfing through the old posts on this blog. It was so...funny...in certain places to read about how frustrated and confused I was with where God had placed me. I wondered aloud what on earth was happening, how I would make it through, and what I would look like in the end.

Suddenly, I found myself crying. Almost every single thing I voiced concern over in all of those blog posts have been taken care of. God has taken care of me financially this year. I am successfully graduating from college next month. The guy my heart was aching for after last school year ended will now be my husband in a few short months. My car still works and has been such a trooper throughout the two years that I've had the poor thing. I have a job that is stable and my boss would love to put me in a higher leadership position if only I was staying longer than another couple months. I have a place to stay for the two months before Steve and I get married, and we already have an apartment lined up for us after the wedding.

Abba, Father...You are amazing! I deserve none of this, yet You have blessed me beyond measure. Looking back on all the frustrations, worries, heartaches, and confusion of the past just makes me laugh because I can now see what You were working on in me! I pray that You will continue to work in me so that You can work through me, and provide the strength that I need to hold on to You no matter what is going on in my life. Thank You, Daddy. Let me never forget such great love.

A most entertaining morning

This morning has been far more entertaining than most other mornings, although of course it is special because it is Friday. Praise Jesus, it's Friday. Anyways, I shall recount my tale of the morning's happenings so ya'll can laugh with me.

First off, I had this crazy dream. I dreamed that I was home and Steve was with me, but there were a ton of people staying at my house. For some reason, there were some parents whose kid needed to go to the ER but they didn't want to take her. So I offered to go, and I took the kid to the ER. I get back, glad to be home where I can hang out with Steve...who had unfortunately stayed behind with my family. Just as I'm getting ready to settle down, another parents comes up to me and asks if I would be willing to take their son to the ER. I sighed and said, "Suuuure..." Here we go again.

So, I wander off to find Steve so that I could at least tell him where I was going. I find him in the living room watching a movie with a bunch of other people. He was sitting next to this girl who I have never seen before, and boy was she smirking at me. Wanna know why? She stinkin' had her arm around my fiance's shoulders and was holding his hand! I just stared at him and said, "Uh, excuse me? What are you doing?" He was completely oblivious to my distress and said, "What? What's up baby?" WHILE HE'S HOLDING HER HAND! I finally stormed away, angry, and I heard him say as I walked away, "Oh, crap...she doesn't know PeeWee!" Apparently PeeWee was the name of the girl, and she was a close friend of Steve's. Make sense? Not really. That explains why it was a dream.

To top it off, I began scheming about how I could terminate this supposed PeeWee as I grabbed the kid and zoomed off in a Volvo on the way to the ER.

End of dream, now back to real life. Apparently this dream was pretty distracting, because I slept through two minutes of my alarm before I actually heard it. I finally get out of bed, turn it off, and hop on my computer to check my email really quick. And what do I find but an email from my boss after midnight, after he had consumed an entire bottle of wine. Hysterical, to say the least. I can't remember ever laughing that hard within 5 minutes of waking up.

So, it seems to be the start of an interesting day. I can't wait to see what else will happen. Tootles!

Day for a Princess

I have already posted about this on Facebook...but I felt like giving a more in-depth account here.

The process began last month - Steve and I started to talk about the possibility of getting married. We decided that we would like to do it before we started our grad school classes this fall, and the target was early August. That was exciting...but I still was pessimistic, because I had tried planning to get married before and it hadn't worked out. This situation is, of course, MUCH different, but my heart still hesitated to go all-out.

This past weekend we were supposed to participate in a premarital seminar, but it got canceled due to snow. We were disappointed because it had taken a lot of effort to clear the weekend in order to go, and now we couldn't go. We took it in stride and spent most of the weekend together, anyways...we hung out at a friend's house on Friday, then drove up to Tannersville and walked around the outlet mall up there, then had dinner and a movie night with our pastor and his wife, along with the friends we had spent time with the night before. It was a lot of fun, and I didn't want the weekend to end. It's not very often that Steve and I get that much time to spend together, and I was loving it!

Saturday night, James had a little talk with Steve and I. He asked what our timeline was for the wedding, and we said we were aiming for August-ish. Then he said, "Well, engaged or not, you have to start planning NOW." He then proceeded to outline the events that would need to start taking place immediately...and we were blown away. I knew it was coming, but I didn't realize how important it was that we start planning immediately. Steve and I talked a little bit that night and decided we wanted to go for July instead, because my out-of-state family members would be in Michigan at that time. Sunday came around and Steve started acting really weird...we had lunch together after church at the Waffle House just to have a couple minutes to talk over wedding stuff. I kept saying how weird it felt...like we were "half engaged". Were we still going to bother with an engagement ring? I pressed, but he never answered the question. I gave up trying to figure him out, because I didn't want to ruin the surprise if there was one.

All day he was odd. He was zoning out a lot, not smiling a whole lot, going to the bathroom constantly, and could barely focus on his homework that afternoon. He IMed me in the afternoon and asked if we could take a walk after church, just to talk over some more stuff. This was weird because generally after the evening service we will go straight from church to the dorm, where our pastor and his wife will feed the college students dinner since we miss it at the cafeteria. The fact that Steve wanted to stop on our way and take a walk was odd because we eat right away. I was suspicious, and a little nervous. What could he want to talk about? Is he acting weird because he wants to push the wedding date back, and he doesn't want to hurt my feelings? I don't know...

After church, people were joking around and pointing out that we hadn't even gone ring shopping yet. Steve kept up the conversation by saying things like, "Are you kidding me? I don't even have money for a ring yet!" At this point I'm getting pretty discouraged. I reminded him about our walk, and we left church.

We stopped at South Abington Park and got out of the car. We started talking about the premarital counseling that we were starting that week - we needed to find a couple and have a mini Q&A session with them to get started. We were brainstorming about questions to ask them as we approached the bridge at the beginning of the walking trail...my favorite spot. We stopped and looked over the water, with clumps of snow floating along the stream. Steve said, "This is a nice spot."
"Yeah," I replied, "It's my favorite."
"I know," he said, and turned as if to keep walking.
"So," he continued,"more questions to think of...like - " in an instant he was on his knee in front of me, "WILL YOU MARRY ME?"
"WHAT?!" I exclaimed, "I can't...I can't believe you! Oh, my gosh!" (You know as a little kid, when you practice your engagement reactions? Yeah, all that went out the window. I had no idea how to react!)
"Well?..." he just knelt there, grinning at me and opening a ring box with my engagement ring nestled inside.
I finally smiled and said, "Yes."

That's our engagement story. I'm still floating a little bit, wondering when I'll wake up from the fairytale dream. But every time I open my eyes, I see a piece of that fairytale dream sitting right on my finger...and it's never going away. I love him so much, and I cannot wait to be his wife and serve alongside him for the rest of our lives. The date is set: July 3, 2010 - exactly 4 months from today.

Steve - I love you so much, and I'm so glad God placed you in my life. I don't know what I would do without you, and I'm ecstatic that you would love me enough to want to be with me, too. I can't wait to start this journey with you!

Buckets of snow

Due to the mass amount of snow we got from Wednesday night until early this morning (about two feet of it here on top of the mountain), the Premarital Seminar was canceled. I was really disappointed because we were really looking forward to it, and it took a lot of effort to clear this weekend...but obviously God has other plans. Thankfully the roads were passable enough yesterday afternoon that Steve came up to school and whisked me off to a friend's house for the evening. We had a great time having dinner with them, watching "The Man from Snowy River", and playing some MarioKart. Since we took off work for the weekend anyways, we're going to simply use the free time we have to spend it with each other. Today we're probably going to head out to Wilkes-Barre, provided the roads are clear. Tonight James and Lynelle invited us over along with Tim and Becky for dinner, fun, and possibly volleyball. Should be a great day.

Another plus about this weekend being freed up is that I've already gotten a lot of homework done. My Proverbs class is finishing up next week, so I was able to wrap up a few of the little things so that all I have to do is a final paper and take the exam. Then I'll be down to 17 CREDITS for the rest of the semester! I'm so excited. This whole 20-credit business is NOT fun.

Well, I'd better clean the bathroom before Steve picks me up. Have a great day, whether you are covered in snow like we are or enjoying warmer weather!

T-minus 71 days

We had our "Senior Salute" today - basically a day-long thing where we pick up our cap and gown, they check our credits to make sure we can actually graduate, and we visited booths for class rings and such. If I didn't have senioritis before, I sure have it now! With my gown hanging in my closet and a BBC alumni glass sitting on my desk...I'm just itching to walk down the aisle and get my diploma. Oh well...I'm trying really hard to be content with where I am and enjoy my last semester, because I know I'll miss it terribly when I'm done.

Update #1: Mom and Dad gave me a $2,000 check to help with my school bill. The standing total for this semester was about $3,300, which meant I would be paying a staggering $800 a month to get it done. Ouch. But with the $2,000 check and my contribution of $800 last month, I only have just under $600 left to pay! THAT means that I can take an extra day off work every week (so that I'm working 27 hours instead of 32) to get homework done. HALLELUJAH. I can't even express how thankful I was for this amazing provision.

Update #2: I now have a place to live for the summer (or however long I need it)! A friend of mine who goes to my church out here is renting a house all to herself - it's two stories, three bedrooms, one bathroom, a nice kitchen, living room, porch, and garage...all for $450 a month plus electric! She has the master bedroom on the main floor, so basically I have the upstairs (two bedrooms and a large hallway closet) to myself. The house is completely furnished, so I wouldn't have to buy a single piece of furniture. She checked with her landlords and they are totally okay with me moving in after graduation, so we will split the rent at $225 each plus electric. Dang, that's cheap. God seriously provided in that area!

Update #3: This weekend Steve and I are going to a Premarital Seminar that the school is putting on for any couple considering getting married. I'm really excited about it, and I truly believe that is the direction God is taking us. It will be awesome to simply get a weekend to spend together, talking about future opportunities and finding out how we can better serve each other. Tomorrow marks our fifth month together as a dating couple, although we've known each other for a full year now. I'm SO thankful God has placed this amazing man in my life...I love him so much, and I can't wait to see what God does in our relationship.

To summarize all of this, I will simply say: GOD IS AMAZING. His grace, provision, and sovereignty continue to put me in a state of awe every day. Entering into this school year, and even this semester, I wasn't sure how things were going to work out. I knew that He would make things happen somehow, but I just couldn't see the possibilities. It is always so interesting for me to see the specific ways in which He carries out His promises to us.

With all this in mind, please keep me in prayer - graduating and beginning my "adult" life is a scary step, but I'm really excited about it. Pray that I would remain in the Word and truly desire whatever God has planned for my life.

On Selfishness

Tears slid off my face and fell into a mediocre puddle on the top of my dresser as I hunched over it and wept. A spiritual kick in the butt from a brother in Christ is almost always well-intended and beneficial, but rarely is it enjoyable and painless. Once again I was convicted of the greatest crime of Christianity - pride and selfishness, the root of all things anti-God. It is amazing how God uses the Body of Christ to build you up, even though the building-up process can only come once you have torn down the old structure of sin nature.

What is it this time, you ask? Well, I think it goes something like this - I had been focusing on the minute details of life, the little things that made me happy, instead of keeping God's overall desire and plan in view. I let myself get wrapped up in the daily pleasures that I thought would "keep me going", then I realized that I was pushing away the only One who could actually fulfill that role. I failed to remember that every day was a gift, that I should spend it thinking of ways to better serve Him in the long run even if today is my last. Why do I get so upset over work, not being able to spend time with my boyfriend, money situations, homework...when all of these are so small compared to what His ultimate plan is. Now, I don't mean that we all have to live in a way that is disappointing and a neverending weariness...but I do mean that we must live with His ultimate plan in mind, and operate with total submission and obedience to that plan.

Wow, it's hard. Especially being a girl, it's so difficult to not let my emotions get the best of me, particularly when I am tired (yep, I just stereotyped myself. Woohoo.)But that is exactly why God has placed people in my life to help me realize my faults and refocus on Who and What is actually more important. Thank you to all of you who have (and continue to) fulfill that role of encourager and exhorter in my life. May God somehow be glorified in my faulty attempt at being an obedient, willing child.

Prayer at Caravia's

As some of you know, I am quite privileged to have a well-paid and stable job at Caravia Fresh Food here in Clarks Summit. God has thoroughly blessed me with this job, and it's definitely helping me pay the enormous school bills...especially this year. My boss is very gracious in giving me raises, days off when I'm sick, and being willing to work around my ridiculous school schedule. God has been greatly providing for me in the area of work.

The unfortunate part of this job is that on a daily basis I have to deal with rich people who think they are the top of the food chain. Yep, that's irritating. I am daily reminded of my depravity as I try my hardest not to be bitter towards their stuck-up attitudes. Today I was dwelling on how bothered I was that some customers hardly acknowledge me. I am required to meet each customer with a cheery smile and, "Hi, how are you? What can I get you?" You know, just to establish a false, pleasant relationship for the next 5 minutes we have to be together. Generally I get a smile and greeting in return, but other times I get this, "Hey, gimme one of those..." or "I would like this..." They completely jump into business, barely acknowledging my friendliness. All they want is my usefulness, which makes sense...but their briskness still smarts sometimes.

As I dwelt on this irritation of mine, that these stuck-up people would so easily talk AT me but not necessarily TO me, I thought of something.

How often do I do this to God during prayer?

Stunning. I was baffled at the mere concept of it. God wants an open, honest, continuous relationship with me. He has opened the lines of communication by offering His son to die for my sins, who rose from the dead and provided a chance at eternal life spent with Him. All of this is at my fingertips, but so many times I start my prayer immediately with something like, "Hey God, don't forget about my school bills, okay? And remember...I really want a new car. That would be nice. Getting through this semester with straight A's would be fantastic too. Well, thanks for listening, see ya tomorrow." WHAT?! Really? Is that really the conversation my Savior deserves?

Yes, He wants to know my desires. Yes, He wants to know what's on my heart and what I just need to vent about. But do I take the time to thank Him for always being there? Do I praise Him for what He has done, and return the "greeting" that He has given to me? Do I thank Him for the privilege of waking up every morning and being able to roll out of bed on two good feet; do I take note of the good night whisper of a sunset, and the morning glory of the sunrise; do I take a minute to remember all the fantastic things He has accomplished in my life in the last week? No, not as much as I should. For that I am ashamed.

Lord, forgive me for neglecting such an important aspect of our relationship. Remind me daily that I need to take conversations with You more contemplatively and thankfully; help me not to simply rattle off a couple requests and be on my way. I love You and truly desire that most intimate relationship with You alone. Amen.