My hand begins to quiver as I pen the words, "I love you." Partly because of the bitter cold of the room, and partly because...well, I don't know yet. That's why I'm writing, to help myself figure out what emotion inside me is trying to show itself.
I know I mean it, I know it's true. And it's something I have no doubts about. Why the shaking? Nothing serious...just a slight shudder. Is it fear? I didn't think so...nothing about him makes me afraid.
Perhaps it is fear of myself. Fear that, in my hands, these words and other words to come may be harmful instead of uplifting.
I look at Your hands, which neither quiver nor shudder. They're stretched out wide, with scars where the gaping holes once were. You look at me with a warm, crimson stare - communicating the love that I can never in my pathetic human heart dare to realize. You love me. You love others. I can love others fearlessly.
I quiver no more as I pen these words. He's steadied my hand, and laid aside all my concerns.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Angering Provision.
God has been teaching me a lot lately. The list is getting quite lengthy - be patient, be calm, be controlled...trust Me. The list only gets harder as I continually add subjects. Emotions running rampant, brain fried from school and stress. My body is worn out and ready for change. I haven't been sick in 3 years...then all of the sudden, I get sick twice this past semester.
Something's getting to me. Maybe it's called growing up.
The most recent happening in my life's journey is the ever-growing need for financial resources. I found out my school bills will be much more expensive this semester than I've ever had to pay before. My car needs repairs that are going to cost about $150...which isn't too bad, but it's still money I don't have. I want to express my thanks and care to the people close to me by buying them gifts for Christmas, but I only have money for the cheap WalMart substitutes. My textbooks are going to cost around $200 for the semester. I'm going to be looking for an apartment soon so I have somewhere to live after graduation, and that will require money for both the apartment and furniture...I could go on for hours to name countless other things that I need yet don't have the money for.
All I see are red $ signs. Everywhere. When will it stop? Probably never. But God still provides...and sometimes I have the nerve to get angry at Him for the ways in which He provides.
My parents are going to put $1,000 towards my school payments when they get their tax return. My dad also just paid for my car repairs. My first reaction was tears...a feeling of failure as a daughter, failure as an independent adult, just plain failure. I was angry that once again, my parents - who are by no means rich - have to step in and save me once again. Don't get me wrong, I am eternally thankful for everything that they do for me. I just wish I didn't have to be a financial burden on them any longer - I wish I could take care of myself. There's the "oldest-child" syndrome kicking in. Oy.
But what right do I have to be angry at God for the way in which He chooses to provide for me? I asked for His provision - and I got it. How could I be so proud, to think that I have the right to "approve" of the vessels He chooses to provide for me? Silly, silly daughter of Mine. I have no right to doubt His choices. It is here that I simply bow to Him, on my knees, and thank Him profusely for His daily provision in my life.
Thank You, Daddy.
Something's getting to me. Maybe it's called growing up.
The most recent happening in my life's journey is the ever-growing need for financial resources. I found out my school bills will be much more expensive this semester than I've ever had to pay before. My car needs repairs that are going to cost about $150...which isn't too bad, but it's still money I don't have. I want to express my thanks and care to the people close to me by buying them gifts for Christmas, but I only have money for the cheap WalMart substitutes. My textbooks are going to cost around $200 for the semester. I'm going to be looking for an apartment soon so I have somewhere to live after graduation, and that will require money for both the apartment and furniture...I could go on for hours to name countless other things that I need yet don't have the money for.
All I see are red $ signs. Everywhere. When will it stop? Probably never. But God still provides...and sometimes I have the nerve to get angry at Him for the ways in which He provides.
My parents are going to put $1,000 towards my school payments when they get their tax return. My dad also just paid for my car repairs. My first reaction was tears...a feeling of failure as a daughter, failure as an independent adult, just plain failure. I was angry that once again, my parents - who are by no means rich - have to step in and save me once again. Don't get me wrong, I am eternally thankful for everything that they do for me. I just wish I didn't have to be a financial burden on them any longer - I wish I could take care of myself. There's the "oldest-child" syndrome kicking in. Oy.
But what right do I have to be angry at God for the way in which He chooses to provide for me? I asked for His provision - and I got it. How could I be so proud, to think that I have the right to "approve" of the vessels He chooses to provide for me? Silly, silly daughter of Mine. I have no right to doubt His choices. It is here that I simply bow to Him, on my knees, and thank Him profusely for His daily provision in my life.
Thank You, Daddy.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
One semester to go...
Well, I have two more finals to go until I'm officially done with this semester. One is tomorrow morning at 9:45, the second is a paper that I need to submit online by Saturday. So...I'm saving that for when I'm home. But anyways, the school year is coming to a close...and so is the calendar year! I can't believe I'm 20 years old, almost done with college, and trying to figure out what on earth I'm doing next year. It's scary, but exciting.
Plus, I'm dating this really awesome/amazing/fantastic/spectacular guy. He treats me like a princess and never fails to take care of me. I am daily amazed at how God uses him in my life to show His love and provision, to convict me of something I really need to change, or to simply encourage me and show me the blessings He has for me in this earthly portion of life. Steve has been an amazing leader in our relationship, but never too domineering. He always makes sure I have sufficient space to make my own decisions and contribute to the relationship, but I know he's always behind me to pick me up when I fall down. It's a near-perfect balance, and I sure do like it. Of course we're not perfect...that's why we're also learning how to work through conflict together. But as far as I can tell...I am totally happy with him. Thanking God for this blessing is a daily thing for me.
I'm heading home tomorrow...yay! I am not looking forward to the long car ride (as usual) but I do have a passenger, so it shouldn't be too bad. Please pray for clear roads, alertness for me as I drive, and quick traveling back to Michigan. I'll be home for exactly two weeks - then on the 30th I'll head down to Steve's parents' house. The 31st his mom will drive us to Philly, where we will take a flight down to Florida and stay for a week with a married couple we are good friends with and who used to go to our church here in PA. It's going to be an awesome break - much needed before I tackle my last semester of college. 20 credits of classes, 32 hours of work per week, and $800 school payments per month. It will definitely be interesting to see how God provides...but at least I know that He will, one way or another. He's just amazing like that.
Well...that's all for tonight. Maybe over break I'll be motivated to post more often, and more thought-provoking writings...I've had a lot on my mind recently, but haven't had the time or energy to really dig in to it and express myself. We'll see what happens. If I don't write again before then, have a great CHRISTmas and a Happy New Year!
Plus, I'm dating this really awesome/amazing/fantastic/spectacular guy. He treats me like a princess and never fails to take care of me. I am daily amazed at how God uses him in my life to show His love and provision, to convict me of something I really need to change, or to simply encourage me and show me the blessings He has for me in this earthly portion of life. Steve has been an amazing leader in our relationship, but never too domineering. He always makes sure I have sufficient space to make my own decisions and contribute to the relationship, but I know he's always behind me to pick me up when I fall down. It's a near-perfect balance, and I sure do like it. Of course we're not perfect...that's why we're also learning how to work through conflict together. But as far as I can tell...I am totally happy with him. Thanking God for this blessing is a daily thing for me.
I'm heading home tomorrow...yay! I am not looking forward to the long car ride (as usual) but I do have a passenger, so it shouldn't be too bad. Please pray for clear roads, alertness for me as I drive, and quick traveling back to Michigan. I'll be home for exactly two weeks - then on the 30th I'll head down to Steve's parents' house. The 31st his mom will drive us to Philly, where we will take a flight down to Florida and stay for a week with a married couple we are good friends with and who used to go to our church here in PA. It's going to be an awesome break - much needed before I tackle my last semester of college. 20 credits of classes, 32 hours of work per week, and $800 school payments per month. It will definitely be interesting to see how God provides...but at least I know that He will, one way or another. He's just amazing like that.
Well...that's all for tonight. Maybe over break I'll be motivated to post more often, and more thought-provoking writings...I've had a lot on my mind recently, but haven't had the time or energy to really dig in to it and express myself. We'll see what happens. If I don't write again before then, have a great CHRISTmas and a Happy New Year!
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