Scars remain

Wow...what a summer. At the beginning of the summer, I knew it was going to change my life...and it has. I never would have imagined the things God had in store for me this summer. Anywhere from working with incredibly tough situations to being able to watch God's amazing provision for me...it was incredible.

This week has been especially tough, though. Sunday we found out that a guy from our church, Nicky Roush (who is only 22) died in action while serving in Afghanistan. What a heartbreak! Although I wasn't that close to Nicky, I grew up having him and his family in my church family. It's so hard to imagine never seeing him again on this earth, and my heart aches for his family and girlfriend left behind. Today in the next couple of hours we will be lining up with hundreds, maybe even thousands of people on the side of M-37 to welcome his earthly body home to Middleville. Funeral services will be next week sometime, so I won't be able to make it as I am heading back to school tomorrow morning. It will be an emotional time for all of us who knew him, but we are comforted with the fact that we will one day see him in heaven.

Another thing that made this week especially difficult was a conversation I had with someone I used to be very close to. Our friendship "ended" over a year and a half ago, and I never understood why. Well, he finally came to me and asked if I wanted to know. I said yes. He explained...but the knowledge I now have sends my head and my heart into completely new cycles. It was way off from the reasons I thought the friendship ended. Once again, just as it had at the beginning of the break, I feel suffocated by the pain. I don't know how to get past it. It's this huge roadblock, a tall hurdle, something I feel is holding me back but something I can't jump over. The scars are still there...

Other "little" things that complicate this week emotionally are the end of camp (not knowing if I'll ever work at camp again) and leaving home for college (not knowing if I'll ever "live" here again). It's a weird period of transition.

Well, we're off to the homecoming for Nicky. I will probably post again when I get to school.
Please keep me in your prayers...

Where did summer go?

I just realized a large mistake I have made - spending my entire summer wishing it was over. Every week I prayed, "Lord, please help me to get through this week...and please let it go by quickly!" What a waste! If I had only spent my days looking for opportunities to grow in every little thing I did, what potential I would have to change. That doesn't mean I haven't grown or changed at all this summer, because I definitely have. But it makes me sad to think that I could have done so much more if I hadn't wished it away.

That being said, there is one more week of regular camp. I have a few days off, then I go back up to camp to cook for 6 days of band camp. Shortly after that, I'm off to school for my last year. I can't believe how fast these years of college have flown by, and I'm terrified to think of graduating next May. Yikes! I haven't a clue where I will be or what I will be doing after I graduate, just a few "maybes" and "possibilities". I am really depending on God to get me through this school year, and trust that He has an awesome plan for my life if only I let Him lead.

Let's see...how to sum up the last couple months? I don't know if I can adequately put it on "paper" per se. God has taught me over the summer the ultimate value of administrating and leading people in His love. Without letting His love shine through me to the people I am in charge of, I am an ultimate failure. I messed up a lot this summer because I simply refused to let His love work through me, and instead I tried to stomp my feet and scream at the top of my lungs to get respect and obedience. Obviously, it didn't work. The only thing that truly works is to treat people as Christ would treat them, and in return hope for that same kind of love and respect.

Another thing that has really hit me the last couple weeks is the ultimate value of His sacrifice. I always "knew" that He died for me, loves me, etc. etc. But one night it just hit me...He died for ME! What great love! I cannot put into words the emotion that I felt that night, as I realized just how magnificent His sacrifice was. Then I realized...how could I pass up that love on a daily basis by choosing to do things I know are not right? Why do I keep chasing after inadequate, failing, human love and affection instead of being satisfied in the neverending love of my Savior? Since that night, I constantly pray that I never, ever forget that great love. I pray that He would use that new realization in my life to totally flip my world upside down and help me show that same love to others.

My heart has been twisting and turning in a lot of directions this summer as well. Between the hurt I still feel and the ever-present longing for a companion who really knows me...it has been a painful process. Some days I feel so lonely, simply because I feel like everyone has someone who really knows them and loves them...but somehow I've missed out. I don't even know myself half the time. I remember the person "he" used to be, and it most definitely doesn't match up with the person "he" is now. I don't really want a friendship because of the pain, but I don't like the alternative either. It's confusing. It hurts. I hate the fact that it still hurts! I'm always asking why, why, why...but I get an empty response. I may never know. The best that I can do is daily cry out to my Savior, asking Him to show me His love in ways I've never seen. Asking for that hole in my heart to finally be filled...