Scars remain

Wow...what a summer. At the beginning of the summer, I knew it was going to change my life...and it has. I never would have imagined the things God had in store for me this summer. Anywhere from working with incredibly tough situations to being able to watch God's amazing provision for me...it was incredible.

This week has been especially tough, though. Sunday we found out that a guy from our church, Nicky Roush (who is only 22) died in action while serving in Afghanistan. What a heartbreak! Although I wasn't that close to Nicky, I grew up having him and his family in my church family. It's so hard to imagine never seeing him again on this earth, and my heart aches for his family and girlfriend left behind. Today in the next couple of hours we will be lining up with hundreds, maybe even thousands of people on the side of M-37 to welcome his earthly body home to Middleville. Funeral services will be next week sometime, so I won't be able to make it as I am heading back to school tomorrow morning. It will be an emotional time for all of us who knew him, but we are comforted with the fact that we will one day see him in heaven.

Another thing that made this week especially difficult was a conversation I had with someone I used to be very close to. Our friendship "ended" over a year and a half ago, and I never understood why. Well, he finally came to me and asked if I wanted to know. I said yes. He explained...but the knowledge I now have sends my head and my heart into completely new cycles. It was way off from the reasons I thought the friendship ended. Once again, just as it had at the beginning of the break, I feel suffocated by the pain. I don't know how to get past it. It's this huge roadblock, a tall hurdle, something I feel is holding me back but something I can't jump over. The scars are still there...

Other "little" things that complicate this week emotionally are the end of camp (not knowing if I'll ever work at camp again) and leaving home for college (not knowing if I'll ever "live" here again). It's a weird period of transition.

Well, we're off to the homecoming for Nicky. I will probably post again when I get to school.
Please keep me in your prayers...

Where did summer go?

I just realized a large mistake I have made - spending my entire summer wishing it was over. Every week I prayed, "Lord, please help me to get through this week...and please let it go by quickly!" What a waste! If I had only spent my days looking for opportunities to grow in every little thing I did, what potential I would have to change. That doesn't mean I haven't grown or changed at all this summer, because I definitely have. But it makes me sad to think that I could have done so much more if I hadn't wished it away.

That being said, there is one more week of regular camp. I have a few days off, then I go back up to camp to cook for 6 days of band camp. Shortly after that, I'm off to school for my last year. I can't believe how fast these years of college have flown by, and I'm terrified to think of graduating next May. Yikes! I haven't a clue where I will be or what I will be doing after I graduate, just a few "maybes" and "possibilities". I am really depending on God to get me through this school year, and trust that He has an awesome plan for my life if only I let Him lead.

Let's see...how to sum up the last couple months? I don't know if I can adequately put it on "paper" per se. God has taught me over the summer the ultimate value of administrating and leading people in His love. Without letting His love shine through me to the people I am in charge of, I am an ultimate failure. I messed up a lot this summer because I simply refused to let His love work through me, and instead I tried to stomp my feet and scream at the top of my lungs to get respect and obedience. Obviously, it didn't work. The only thing that truly works is to treat people as Christ would treat them, and in return hope for that same kind of love and respect.

Another thing that has really hit me the last couple weeks is the ultimate value of His sacrifice. I always "knew" that He died for me, loves me, etc. etc. But one night it just hit me...He died for ME! What great love! I cannot put into words the emotion that I felt that night, as I realized just how magnificent His sacrifice was. Then I realized...how could I pass up that love on a daily basis by choosing to do things I know are not right? Why do I keep chasing after inadequate, failing, human love and affection instead of being satisfied in the neverending love of my Savior? Since that night, I constantly pray that I never, ever forget that great love. I pray that He would use that new realization in my life to totally flip my world upside down and help me show that same love to others.

My heart has been twisting and turning in a lot of directions this summer as well. Between the hurt I still feel and the ever-present longing for a companion who really knows me...it has been a painful process. Some days I feel so lonely, simply because I feel like everyone has someone who really knows them and loves them...but somehow I've missed out. I don't even know myself half the time. I remember the person "he" used to be, and it most definitely doesn't match up with the person "he" is now. I don't really want a friendship because of the pain, but I don't like the alternative either. It's confusing. It hurts. I hate the fact that it still hurts! I'm always asking why, why, why...but I get an empty response. I may never know. The best that I can do is daily cry out to my Savior, asking Him to show me His love in ways I've never seen. Asking for that hole in my heart to finally be filled...

Pink skies and leadership

Wow, this week was crazy. It seems like I say that every week, but this week topped it off. It was our biggest week so far in the summer with a total of 140 (ish) campers, so there were a lot of mouths to feed including the staff and volunteers. The food part of the week went well, it was the whole leadership part that went nuts. I can't get into all the details, but basically God used this week to stretch me farther than ever before. It was uncomfortable. It was painful. It stunk big time! But you know what...I'm glad it happened. I'm glad I had to do things that were miles outside of my comfort zone, and I know God used it to help me grow in huge ways. I read in my devotions today about the testimony of General "Stonewall" Jackson, and his quote caught my eye: "I feel as safe in battle as I am in my bed, because God has an appointed time for me to die." How awesome! Why should I be afraid of anything life throws my way? God has a plan for all of it and He will keep me safe. He will use all the hardships and tribulations I endure for my good and for His glory.

Also in my devotions I read the account of creation...slowly, thoughtfully, allowing it to soak in. As I finished this amazing story, sitting on the back deck of the lodge looking at the beautiful colored sky God made...I couldn't help but wish I had been there to see it happen. What an amazing sight that would have been, to see the creation of this beauty we call nature. I wonder if we get to see a "video" of it when we get to heaven. That would be sweet. Who could ever doubt the existence of a God after taking a glance at the beauty around us?

Well, we're off to week number six of camp. Please continue praying about financial needs for school and my car, as those are the most pressing needs I see at the moment. Pray for us as a camp staff this week since the numbers are way down once again, that we would keep up the enthusiasm for the few campers we have this week.

Free falling

Wow, this week was insanity. And this upcoming week is going to be even more insane...if that's possible. I'm praying hardcore that God will help me make it through, because even when I got home yesterday I felt like a zombie. My physical strength is definitely failing me right now, I'm pretty much running completely on "God fumes".

This summer has been a huge learning experience so far. I have made a few serious changes in my walk with God, including developing a stronger love for Him and His Word, and I am learning how important prayer is. As I face my last year of college, I have HUGE financial needs that must be met. My car is falling apart pretty much...and I don't know if I'll have the money to fix it before I go back next month. I just wrote a check for my first payment for this semester, and that smarts. Right now my monthly payments when I get back to school are over $1,000 a month. Yikes! That's a little difficult to comprehend when I only make maybe $600 a month at my deli job. I have been on my knees pleading to my Savior, trusting that He will provide what I need for this school year. It's a tough spot to be in, but strangely it is also peaceful. I know that there is nothing that I, personally, can do for myself. But I have an AWESOME God who has promised to take care of me and my genuine needs. What an amazing truth.

Anyway, back to something besides that annoying green stuff. My heart has been twisting and turning many painful ways this summer as well. I feel like there are so many things from my past and present that are tugging it in so many directions. A real struggle I have right now is being content where I am: single, poor college student, unsure where I'll be a year from now. It's so hard! I've been fighting this contentment battle for a long time, and it's wearing me so thin. Please pray for me...I need it now more than ever.

Despite the hardships I have faced emotionally this summer, I have many blessings as well. I love the friends I've made at camp, and being able to see God working directly in people's lives is extremely rewarding. I've developed more in the music area of my life, and that brings me a lot of joy when I just feel like collapsing in frustration. God has brought testing into my life, but He also brings joy in the little things. I am beginning to realize just how much this amazing God of the universe loves me, His precious child.

Well, that's all for now. I've probably babbled enough...nobody will read this anyway.

Happy 4th of July!

Well, the most difficult week of camp (family camp) is finished. Hallelujah. Family camp is so...unique...I'm glad we only have one week of it per summer. It was a blast hanging out with the families - getting to know new ones, reminiscing with returning families - but it will be nice to get back to the normal camper routine next week.

I've discovered a new show that has piqued my interest: Mental. I guess it's kind of like the show House except it's about mental disorders, not physical abnormalities. Being a counseling major, this is kinda my thing. So far the acting has been a little crummy...but I like how I can actually recognize the terms and diagnoses they throw out as they go from case to case. Along with that, I decided I want to read up a little on autism while I don't have any assigned reading for school during the summer. I really want to work with people with autism or Asperger's eventually, so I want to study up on it as much as I can during my free reading time.

I really hope next week is warmer than this week was! Those poor wilderness campers...

Wondering

Life is so crazy sometimes. I feel like, as a child, the thought of becoming a college student and "growing up" seemed so far away that it would just never happen. Now I'm in the middle of it, and it seems to fly by before I can blink twice. Not only am I changing as a person, but the people around me are changing so quickly. I've lost count of how many of my friends are either getting married or skipping the whole marriage thing and just getting pregnant first. So many things are happening at once, I almost can't focus on one solitary thing.

I have to keep my attitude in check, because when I see all of this happening I get so jealous. I find myself wishing I at least had a boyfriend, but knowing that I really just want to get married like everyone else. At one point I was semi-close to being engaged, but now I'm back to a lonely square one. Why?

But through all this...I know what is right. I know all the answers, in my head at least. I'm waiting for those answers to slowly creep down into my heart, for the truth of God's word to give me the peace that surpasses all understanding. I know God loves me more than I could ever imagine, and that He has a plan for me. It's just so difficult sometimes for me to see beyond my own nose.

Philippians 4:4-7
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. the Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

New beginnings...

Well, it looks like I've finally outgrown Xanga. I tried to delete my current account and create a new one, because the old one just got...well, old. But it was malfunctioning and talking back to me, so I decided to try blogger instead.

I feel as though this summer is going to be a catalyst for a lot of change in my life. I'm not sure what will change yet, but I just have that gut feeling. Last summer was rough. But this summer I feel myself growing in a lot of areas, and I know I can count on God to use those areas of growth to really change me. I'm looking forward to the end result, as well as walking the path with my Savior right at my side.

We have just finished our second week at camp, and I am completely exhausted! These first four weeks of combined camp and staff training have been emotionally, physically, and spiritually draining. But, as usual, I still love camp. I'm excited to be working with the people there, making new friends and reinforcing the friendships I already had. I can't wait to see what else God will accomplish this summer through us as a united camp staff.

Here are some musings from my notebook this week...

"The Creator of galaxies and e-minors loves me...completely. He wants me in all my totality, all that I am, all that I have to give. Of course, all that I have could never be enough to satisfy the treasury that He has given me...but it is the best that I can do."

"Salvation not only has preserved me for heaven and set me apart for His work, but it will one day completely restore me to the image of my Creator who loves me like none other."

"The silence threatens
To take me with its volume
And there I cease to be."

"It feels so strange.
You, who once made my heart take flight...
the same you invokes such a dead response;
from the core of my being.

{Will it beat again?}

Will there be another heart that races with mine
when their faces meet?"